I'm only human! and not a whore!

It's been a pretty long week. Classes started back up this week, and life went back to normal. Well as normal as my life can possibly be right now. Other than the fact that my cars engine light was on. So I had to come home on Friday. Friday night the engine light went off. The dealership was closed when we went so it went to the shop this morning and I get to go back home in a few weeks to get the part replaced. Way for 4 hour drives each way!

Yesterday I went and got a whole new phone line and plan and number! I reserved an iPhone and will have it in a few weeks. I tried being nice to Chris and asking him for permission to switch the plan from his to my own or moms. He never responded to my messages, or when we called him yesterday. So I started over. Sounds good right? Well what no one but my mom and the wonderful Verizon man knows is that I almost had a complete breakdown in the Verizon store. It was so exciting but very sad, I guess is what I felt. I was closing one huge chapter of my life, but I was also opening a new chapter. I thought that starting a new plan would be the easiest part of this whole new life I have. And it was. But at the same time, it was me officially being over this whole thing. I have moved on, and I am very happy. But at the same time, the phone was the last tie that we had together. I am so excited today to get the iPhone and be completely done with Christopher.

This weekend my parents and I got into a huge argument. Some of the things that were brought up were things that I had no control about. Like everything that happened with Chris and all the lies he told. Every time anything happens with me, Christopher is brought up. So here is my request from everyone. I would really appreciate it if people didn't keep asking about him, bringing him up, or trying to find out what's going on in his life. I don't know how he is, what's going on with him, what he was thinking when this happened, or where he is anymore. I also don't really care anymore. I no longer want him to be a thought in my life. So it would mean a lot if everyone dropped the subject. If I want to vent or talk about it then let me do so, but don't tell me what is going on with him or anything. I just need this so I don't think about the what ifs anymore, or worry about him and let what could be going on with him affect me. I can't handle what happened always being thrown in my face. Like I meant for any of this to happen. It happens more often than you think and I hate it. It always breaks me down. I did not mean for any of this to happen. Not saying that I regret any of it happening anymore, but I did not choose this.

So let me fix a few of these rumors going around currently. Chris and I are not getting back together, nor are we on speaking terms right now. We are no longer friends anymore. He does not want to contact me, and I do not want to contact him. Yes I have moved on. Yes he has moved on. I cannot speak for him, but I can speak for myself when I say that I am extremely happy right now. I don't know what is going on in his life. I can't pretend that I know. I hear rumors but I won't discuss those because I have not spoken to him about it. Also I am NOT a whore. I AM NOT SLEEPING with ANYONE right now and do not appreciate these accusations. What is going on right now might not be something you agree with or think is right, but I am happy and it feels right. So I would really really appreciate it if I was not called a whore or slut anymore. If you know anything about me you know I am not a whore. So let's just nip that rumor in the bud right now.

I will always care for Christopher, and love him in some way. He was a big part of my life, but it is finally time to completely put him behind and in my past. I am ready for the day that I don't subconsciously worry about him. Especially with the rumors I have heard lately, I do worry about him. But I can't let myself think into that worry. So for now it's just rumors. And Christopher if you read this for some crazy chance I hope you're okay and it really is just rumors.

So my new life is going great! I'm determined to make all A's and B's this semester! I'm not going to spill my guts on the new guy yet. A few of you know about him but for those that do, let's keep it on the down low for a while longer. I don't want to jinx anything. And some people are unsupportive and try to start immature rumors. But just fyi to those people we know the truth. We know what has and has not happened, what has been said and what hasn't. Oh and I hear every rumor and can pretty much tell you exactly who started them. Just sayin' we're not playing these immature games.

It may have taken 2 months but I am so proud to say that I am so much stronger now than I ever was. I am finally happy again, and I'm not letting anyone change that. I haven't had a weak moment in a long time (other than at Verizon...but we'll just pretend like that never happened), and I don't plan on having one for a very long time. Everyone is stronger than they think they are. Everyone has weak moments, and break downs. I am human so I can only expect those moments. But I can promise that they are and will continue to be fewer and farther apart.

What makes someone beautiful?

Over the past 7 weeks, I have heard how beautiful and gorgeous and pretty I am. I have heard this more now than I ever have. At first I thought it was people trying to be nice. Like this guy that I was madly in love with did the unthinkable to me. I thought that people were saying that to make it all better, to help me forget my pain. What people didn't know is what I thought and what I was going through. I have always had an issue with weight, and looks. I have always had an issue with how my nose is a little big, and my tooth on the right is a little crooked, how my boobs looked so big when I wore the super cute shirts my flat friends wore. Made me feel fat. For anyone that knows me, or has seen pictures of me, I am farrrrrr from fat. I am barely (probably not even) 5'1", I currently weigh 107 pounds (yay for gaining some weight back when I came home, I needed it), I still wear a 00 but they're tight now.

Right after Chris broke me (best way to describe it). Anyways right after Chris and I split up I hit an all time low. I wondered why this would happen to someone who was so beautiful and gorgeous. Like seriously, if I were all of these things that people say then why would Chris cheat on me with a girl, who I am sorry, is not that pretty. I don't consider myself gorgeous or anything by any means. But I can see a picture of the girl and honestly be able to tell myself I am prettier than her. I know that may sound conceited but I'm not the only one who thinks so. Moral of this rant is I went to a really dark place. Decided that I was not pretty or skinny enough. Stopped eating, when I did eat I got sick. It was bad.

I have had one other episode with not eating. It was the same thing. It was right before Chris and he helped pull me out of it. He helped me gain self-confidence again, and got me fat. But he was fat then too so it was okay. This time was different. The first time it was just me hearing things from other people, the tv, classic teenage girl. This time a boy broke me down. He built me up, just to tear me down and put me back in where I was.

I realized, after a long few weeks, that it was not me. I didn't do this. I did nothing wrong. I supported Chris in everything. I took the fights and blows at me when he was stressed. I took the exhausted asshole side of him. I was up the long nights waiting to hear from him. I stood by his side during boot camp, SOI, and MOS school. I was there when he wanted to go to Afghanistan the first time he heard one of his friends died. I supported him, and even though it killed me to say it I told him it was okay for him to deploy and that I would be here waiting for him to come home to me. I was there when he wanted to take the job that would take him to different countries to stand guard, or when he wanted to take the job that meant he could not get married or have babies for 2 years. I was there when he finally decided to go to kings bay, well got sent to kings bay. I picked him up from the airport, went out of my way to get him, gave up holidays with my family to be with him. I waited days, weeks, months to hear his voice. I drove 5 hours to Kings Bay, 4 days before I was supposed to move to school and hadn't packed a thing. I drove 7 hours almost once a month to miss a day of classes and spend the weekend with him. I cried more tears than I ever thought a person could produce. I really loved him. I would have done anything from him. I risked and gave up a lot just to be with him. I did all that I could do for our relationship. I know that I wasn't perfect but I gave my all and fought like hell to make us work.

Looking back I cannot believe that I let a boy do this to me. Never again will I let a boy do this to me. No boy will ever build me up just to push me down. I based my life around some boy. Never again. This is all about me.

I may not know what exactly makes someone beautiful or gorgeous. I still don't think that I am beautiful or gorgeous. But I know that I am perfect. I am perfectly unperfect.

Changes.

My last post was November 9, 2010. It is now January 4, 2011. Things have definitely changed in 2 months. I haven't been able to post here yet. I just haven't known what to say. I have started a new post multiple times. Wrote a few words, and deleted them all. I don't know where to start or how to say any of this. So be prepared this is 2 months worth of blogs and my heart will be spilled into this blog.

November 20, 2011, I got a call from Christopher. Normal right? Not this phone call. He was acting perfectly normal in the beginning. Then a switch went off. He got dead silent on the phone. Said he needed to get something out but needed to get the courage to spit it out. We sat on the phone for 5 minutes not saying a word. When I said I was going to hang up if he didn't say anything he spilled. Said he couldn't do this anymore. Wouldn't explain anything until I pushed and pushed. After finally pushing far enough he told me about this new girl. Crushed me. Said he had met her the day I came down for my last trip. Started hanging out with her a week before we broke up.

My heart was crushed. I had lost 2 years of my life and my whole future to a girl he had just met. The man I thought I was going to marry, have children with, and grow old with left me for a 20 year old girl in the Navy. A girl he barely knew.

While we were on the phone, I did not shed a single tear. I did not yell, or raise my voice. I just wanted answers. I went numb and shook. I didn't sleep that night. I cried. All night. Thought about what I did wrong. How I messed up.

The next morning, I woke up and put a smile on, got dressed, and went to church. Couldn't make it 10 minutes through the service before I had to walk out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't listen to them preach about the Man I prayed to for months and months. A man I had faith in to keep me from hurt. I lost faith in something I had believed in more than Chris. I was at my grandparents house that weekend and we had the boys (my cousins). I had even more of a reason to put on a happy face and not cry. They would wipe my tear when one slipped. They kept me from curling in a ball and shutting the world out.

Monday, my mom and brother came to Greenville to see me,

Take me to dinner (couldn't happen) and buy me a sweater since my dad couldn't be there. I didn't cry in front of my mom. I cried over the phone with her. But never in front of her. She thought I was okay and left the next morning. I called her a few hours later balling my eyes out. 2 more days of fake smiles and everything was okay, I flew to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. I cried 3 times in the Raleigh airport and twice in the Atlanta airport. I faked more smiles, and forced smiles, until it was time for bed. Then let it out. Everything I had felt that day came out that night.

Thanksgiving Day I spoke to Chris. Ignored his texts and Facebook instant messages for a few hours. But gave in and responded. He told me he knew he made a mistake. Gave me hope. But told me that he didn't know if he could fix this and asked me to promise him that I would never

take him back so that he would have to live with this mistake for the rest of his life. How do you ask that of the girl you broke 5 days before and expect her to honestly tell you she will keep that promise? Not this girl. I couldn't do that. I could keep my promise of always being there for Gianna. But I could not promise him that one day whether it was tomorrow or 20 years from now that I will never take him back. He broke my bearing that day. I had to excuse myself from Thanksgiving dinner to take a moment to myself and let myself lose it.

I had finals the week I got back from New Orleans. He had promised me a stress-free month so I would do great on finals. That promise was yet another promise broken. I have never been through so much stress in my life. I don't know if it was the finals were that bad or if it was him.

I continued to talk to him periodically. Told me he would always be my best friend and I would never lose that. Told me that he would always love me. Just not the same way. Little did he know I was having other issues that no one knew of. I had really low self-confidence while we were together. He always told me how beautiful I was and how skinny and perfect I was. Told me I didn't need to change a thing. Then he cheated on me. What little self-confidence I did have went right out the window. If I was so pretty and perfect, why did he do this?

This next part I really am not proud of at all.

I went from the day we broke up until a few days before Christmas of barely eating. If I did eat it was one small meal. That was on a good day. Most days I would eat a few bites and puke it up. It got really bad. I lost a lot of weight. I am however happy to say that since I have been home I have been eating at least 2 meals a day and keeping it all down. That is huge progress.

After finals, I packed everything up and went to Jacksonville, Florida. For anyone who knows where Chris is stationed, knows that is super close. I got a lot of shit for wanting to go there. Everyone thought I wanted to go just to see him. Truth is I didn't want to see him. I wanted to get a tattoo and wanted him to go with me but honestly was fine not getting it. I had a lot

of fun in Florida. I saw my real dad and stepmom. Got my second holes done on Chris and

my 2nd anniversary. Went on the beach. Ate Seared Ahi Tuna like it was going out of style. I swear I had it every way possible to make it!

When I got home, it was late Monday, December 20th. Exactly 1 month down. I went from crying myself to sleep every night to not crying at all. Shedding a few tears here and there but nothing big. Went from wanting to talk about him and wanting to talk about what he was doing and hear rumors. To just not giving a damn anymore. I hit this wall of not caring and not wanting anything that I thought that I had wanted.

I was told by so many people that I was handling this really well and how proud they were and how they would have done all these things. People asked how I was handling it so calmly. Here's the answer: I have no clue. I have no clue how I was so calm. I have no clue why I didn't want to rip him apart. Or why I didn't want to scream my lungs out. I still don't know why I haven't said much to him about the break up and what he did.

I am 18 years old. Chris and I were getting married September 17, 2011. We had found a really nice apartment to live in in Kings Bay. I was planning on dropping everything for him. I was planning on rearranging school so that I could be with him. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. My high school sweetheart turned Marine. I can't believe how naive I was. But that is love.

I do not regret a single minute I spent with Chris. I don't regret him doing what he did. I don't regret trusting him. I don't regret loving him.

I may not understand everything right now, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I know that he led me to bigger and better things. I know that if it weren't for him I would not be the person I am. I wouldn't be the "strong woman" I am as people tell me. I still and always will love Christopher. There will always be a part of my heart that he will hold. But he will no longer ever have the hold on me that he did, he'll never again be able to knock me down like he did, never be able to break me again, and will never have my full heart again.

Chris was my first love. He was the first guy I slept with. Pretty much the first for most things. He will always be a huge part of my past. I will always remember what he did. He broke me. But I will say this, he stopped me from making a HUGE mistake. I do not know what I would have done if there would had been a marriage or more importantly children involved. That would have killed me.

I have some of the most amazing friends. People stayed up with me until very very early in the morning to talk to me until I fell asleep. People were always there for me. Told me it would all be okay. I want to thank every person who helped me through out this whole thing. I don't know what I would have done without you. My family included in this. I love you all and am so thankful for you.

There's a song that I swear I have listened to it a bazillion and 8 times. I get a little stronger by Sara Evans. That song literally was perfect. I would listen to it the entire time getting ready, the entire time I was studying for finals and everything. There is one lyric in particular that me

ans the most to me. "Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger." That is so true for me. Every single day since November 20th I have gotten stronger. I have faced things that I never thought I would face. I never thought that Chris was this man. I was wrong. But in all honesty, I am so much stronger now than I ever have been. I now stand on 2 feet and live my life for me. I no longer wait for a boy. I do everything for me. It is so weird but so much better. Less stressful.

Since November 20th, I have stopped eating, cried myself to sleep every night, broke down, and got lost along the way. I have also started eating again, stopped crying, let myself be happy, and found myself again. I learned that life shouldn't revolve around one person in a relationship that it needs to be shared and equal. Since November 20th, I have found a really great guy. A guy that understands where I am right now and doesn't push. A guy who makes me laugh when I'm about to lose it. A guy who says all the right things, at exactly the right time. A real sweetheart. I found a guy who makes me happy again, who picked me up when I was down. I do not know why a man would want to be with this tangled mess that I am right now, but he has. My world has stopped spinning. Finally. So thank you.

Today is, well its 5:17 am on January 4, 2011

but I have not slept so it is still January 3rd for me! Today I cut about 6 " off of my beautiful hair. I got a new color as well. Perfect for starting over.

Most people have the same old resolutions for New Years. Like stop smoking, lose 10 pounds, eat healthier, run everyday. While I still have those resolutions, I have much more important resolutions. I want to be happy everyday this year. I want to live this year for me and worry about me, and anyone who wants to be in my life has to actually try. I want to start over this year. I want to smile every single day. I want to remember the past 2 years and be happy that we had that time together, and that we're no longer together. I want to take this second chance and run with it.

I thought about changing the name of this blog, or starting over entirely. But this is the conclusion I came to. I was with Chris from day 1 of the Marine Corps. This title works perfectly for me. It's Hurry Up & Wait-Her Version: Life after Christopher the Marine. Another resolution: Blog more!

So here is to 2011. A new year. A new start. A new life. And a new Elyssa!