Changes.

My last post was November 9, 2010. It is now January 4, 2011. Things have definitely changed in 2 months. I haven't been able to post here yet. I just haven't known what to say. I have started a new post multiple times. Wrote a few words, and deleted them all. I don't know where to start or how to say any of this. So be prepared this is 2 months worth of blogs and my heart will be spilled into this blog.

November 20, 2011, I got a call from Christopher. Normal right? Not this phone call. He was acting perfectly normal in the beginning. Then a switch went off. He got dead silent on the phone. Said he needed to get something out but needed to get the courage to spit it out. We sat on the phone for 5 minutes not saying a word. When I said I was going to hang up if he didn't say anything he spilled. Said he couldn't do this anymore. Wouldn't explain anything until I pushed and pushed. After finally pushing far enough he told me about this new girl. Crushed me. Said he had met her the day I came down for my last trip. Started hanging out with her a week before we broke up.

My heart was crushed. I had lost 2 years of my life and my whole future to a girl he had just met. The man I thought I was going to marry, have children with, and grow old with left me for a 20 year old girl in the Navy. A girl he barely knew.

While we were on the phone, I did not shed a single tear. I did not yell, or raise my voice. I just wanted answers. I went numb and shook. I didn't sleep that night. I cried. All night. Thought about what I did wrong. How I messed up.

The next morning, I woke up and put a smile on, got dressed, and went to church. Couldn't make it 10 minutes through the service before I had to walk out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't listen to them preach about the Man I prayed to for months and months. A man I had faith in to keep me from hurt. I lost faith in something I had believed in more than Chris. I was at my grandparents house that weekend and we had the boys (my cousins). I had even more of a reason to put on a happy face and not cry. They would wipe my tear when one slipped. They kept me from curling in a ball and shutting the world out.

Monday, my mom and brother came to Greenville to see me,

Take me to dinner (couldn't happen) and buy me a sweater since my dad couldn't be there. I didn't cry in front of my mom. I cried over the phone with her. But never in front of her. She thought I was okay and left the next morning. I called her a few hours later balling my eyes out. 2 more days of fake smiles and everything was okay, I flew to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. I cried 3 times in the Raleigh airport and twice in the Atlanta airport. I faked more smiles, and forced smiles, until it was time for bed. Then let it out. Everything I had felt that day came out that night.

Thanksgiving Day I spoke to Chris. Ignored his texts and Facebook instant messages for a few hours. But gave in and responded. He told me he knew he made a mistake. Gave me hope. But told me that he didn't know if he could fix this and asked me to promise him that I would never

take him back so that he would have to live with this mistake for the rest of his life. How do you ask that of the girl you broke 5 days before and expect her to honestly tell you she will keep that promise? Not this girl. I couldn't do that. I could keep my promise of always being there for Gianna. But I could not promise him that one day whether it was tomorrow or 20 years from now that I will never take him back. He broke my bearing that day. I had to excuse myself from Thanksgiving dinner to take a moment to myself and let myself lose it.

I had finals the week I got back from New Orleans. He had promised me a stress-free month so I would do great on finals. That promise was yet another promise broken. I have never been through so much stress in my life. I don't know if it was the finals were that bad or if it was him.

I continued to talk to him periodically. Told me he would always be my best friend and I would never lose that. Told me that he would always love me. Just not the same way. Little did he know I was having other issues that no one knew of. I had really low self-confidence while we were together. He always told me how beautiful I was and how skinny and perfect I was. Told me I didn't need to change a thing. Then he cheated on me. What little self-confidence I did have went right out the window. If I was so pretty and perfect, why did he do this?

This next part I really am not proud of at all.

I went from the day we broke up until a few days before Christmas of barely eating. If I did eat it was one small meal. That was on a good day. Most days I would eat a few bites and puke it up. It got really bad. I lost a lot of weight. I am however happy to say that since I have been home I have been eating at least 2 meals a day and keeping it all down. That is huge progress.

After finals, I packed everything up and went to Jacksonville, Florida. For anyone who knows where Chris is stationed, knows that is super close. I got a lot of shit for wanting to go there. Everyone thought I wanted to go just to see him. Truth is I didn't want to see him. I wanted to get a tattoo and wanted him to go with me but honestly was fine not getting it. I had a lot

of fun in Florida. I saw my real dad and stepmom. Got my second holes done on Chris and

my 2nd anniversary. Went on the beach. Ate Seared Ahi Tuna like it was going out of style. I swear I had it every way possible to make it!

When I got home, it was late Monday, December 20th. Exactly 1 month down. I went from crying myself to sleep every night to not crying at all. Shedding a few tears here and there but nothing big. Went from wanting to talk about him and wanting to talk about what he was doing and hear rumors. To just not giving a damn anymore. I hit this wall of not caring and not wanting anything that I thought that I had wanted.

I was told by so many people that I was handling this really well and how proud they were and how they would have done all these things. People asked how I was handling it so calmly. Here's the answer: I have no clue. I have no clue how I was so calm. I have no clue why I didn't want to rip him apart. Or why I didn't want to scream my lungs out. I still don't know why I haven't said much to him about the break up and what he did.

I am 18 years old. Chris and I were getting married September 17, 2011. We had found a really nice apartment to live in in Kings Bay. I was planning on dropping everything for him. I was planning on rearranging school so that I could be with him. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. My high school sweetheart turned Marine. I can't believe how naive I was. But that is love.

I do not regret a single minute I spent with Chris. I don't regret him doing what he did. I don't regret trusting him. I don't regret loving him.

I may not understand everything right now, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I know that he led me to bigger and better things. I know that if it weren't for him I would not be the person I am. I wouldn't be the "strong woman" I am as people tell me. I still and always will love Christopher. There will always be a part of my heart that he will hold. But he will no longer ever have the hold on me that he did, he'll never again be able to knock me down like he did, never be able to break me again, and will never have my full heart again.

Chris was my first love. He was the first guy I slept with. Pretty much the first for most things. He will always be a huge part of my past. I will always remember what he did. He broke me. But I will say this, he stopped me from making a HUGE mistake. I do not know what I would have done if there would had been a marriage or more importantly children involved. That would have killed me.

I have some of the most amazing friends. People stayed up with me until very very early in the morning to talk to me until I fell asleep. People were always there for me. Told me it would all be okay. I want to thank every person who helped me through out this whole thing. I don't know what I would have done without you. My family included in this. I love you all and am so thankful for you.

There's a song that I swear I have listened to it a bazillion and 8 times. I get a little stronger by Sara Evans. That song literally was perfect. I would listen to it the entire time getting ready, the entire time I was studying for finals and everything. There is one lyric in particular that me

ans the most to me. "Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger." That is so true for me. Every single day since November 20th I have gotten stronger. I have faced things that I never thought I would face. I never thought that Chris was this man. I was wrong. But in all honesty, I am so much stronger now than I ever have been. I now stand on 2 feet and live my life for me. I no longer wait for a boy. I do everything for me. It is so weird but so much better. Less stressful.

Since November 20th, I have stopped eating, cried myself to sleep every night, broke down, and got lost along the way. I have also started eating again, stopped crying, let myself be happy, and found myself again. I learned that life shouldn't revolve around one person in a relationship that it needs to be shared and equal. Since November 20th, I have found a really great guy. A guy that understands where I am right now and doesn't push. A guy who makes me laugh when I'm about to lose it. A guy who says all the right things, at exactly the right time. A real sweetheart. I found a guy who makes me happy again, who picked me up when I was down. I do not know why a man would want to be with this tangled mess that I am right now, but he has. My world has stopped spinning. Finally. So thank you.

Today is, well its 5:17 am on January 4, 2011

but I have not slept so it is still January 3rd for me! Today I cut about 6 " off of my beautiful hair. I got a new color as well. Perfect for starting over.

Most people have the same old resolutions for New Years. Like stop smoking, lose 10 pounds, eat healthier, run everyday. While I still have those resolutions, I have much more important resolutions. I want to be happy everyday this year. I want to live this year for me and worry about me, and anyone who wants to be in my life has to actually try. I want to start over this year. I want to smile every single day. I want to remember the past 2 years and be happy that we had that time together, and that we're no longer together. I want to take this second chance and run with it.

I thought about changing the name of this blog, or starting over entirely. But this is the conclusion I came to. I was with Chris from day 1 of the Marine Corps. This title works perfectly for me. It's Hurry Up & Wait-Her Version: Life after Christopher the Marine. Another resolution: Blog more!

So here is to 2011. A new year. A new start. A new life. And a new Elyssa!