What makes someone beautiful?

Over the past 7 weeks, I have heard how beautiful and gorgeous and pretty I am. I have heard this more now than I ever have. At first I thought it was people trying to be nice. Like this guy that I was madly in love with did the unthinkable to me. I thought that people were saying that to make it all better, to help me forget my pain. What people didn't know is what I thought and what I was going through. I have always had an issue with weight, and looks. I have always had an issue with how my nose is a little big, and my tooth on the right is a little crooked, how my boobs looked so big when I wore the super cute shirts my flat friends wore. Made me feel fat. For anyone that knows me, or has seen pictures of me, I am farrrrrr from fat. I am barely (probably not even) 5'1", I currently weigh 107 pounds (yay for gaining some weight back when I came home, I needed it), I still wear a 00 but they're tight now.

Right after Chris broke me (best way to describe it). Anyways right after Chris and I split up I hit an all time low. I wondered why this would happen to someone who was so beautiful and gorgeous. Like seriously, if I were all of these things that people say then why would Chris cheat on me with a girl, who I am sorry, is not that pretty. I don't consider myself gorgeous or anything by any means. But I can see a picture of the girl and honestly be able to tell myself I am prettier than her. I know that may sound conceited but I'm not the only one who thinks so. Moral of this rant is I went to a really dark place. Decided that I was not pretty or skinny enough. Stopped eating, when I did eat I got sick. It was bad.

I have had one other episode with not eating. It was the same thing. It was right before Chris and he helped pull me out of it. He helped me gain self-confidence again, and got me fat. But he was fat then too so it was okay. This time was different. The first time it was just me hearing things from other people, the tv, classic teenage girl. This time a boy broke me down. He built me up, just to tear me down and put me back in where I was.

I realized, after a long few weeks, that it was not me. I didn't do this. I did nothing wrong. I supported Chris in everything. I took the fights and blows at me when he was stressed. I took the exhausted asshole side of him. I was up the long nights waiting to hear from him. I stood by his side during boot camp, SOI, and MOS school. I was there when he wanted to go to Afghanistan the first time he heard one of his friends died. I supported him, and even though it killed me to say it I told him it was okay for him to deploy and that I would be here waiting for him to come home to me. I was there when he wanted to take the job that would take him to different countries to stand guard, or when he wanted to take the job that meant he could not get married or have babies for 2 years. I was there when he finally decided to go to kings bay, well got sent to kings bay. I picked him up from the airport, went out of my way to get him, gave up holidays with my family to be with him. I waited days, weeks, months to hear his voice. I drove 5 hours to Kings Bay, 4 days before I was supposed to move to school and hadn't packed a thing. I drove 7 hours almost once a month to miss a day of classes and spend the weekend with him. I cried more tears than I ever thought a person could produce. I really loved him. I would have done anything from him. I risked and gave up a lot just to be with him. I did all that I could do for our relationship. I know that I wasn't perfect but I gave my all and fought like hell to make us work.

Looking back I cannot believe that I let a boy do this to me. Never again will I let a boy do this to me. No boy will ever build me up just to push me down. I based my life around some boy. Never again. This is all about me.

I may not know what exactly makes someone beautiful or gorgeous. I still don't think that I am beautiful or gorgeous. But I know that I am perfect. I am perfectly unperfect.